I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
