There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
