is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
