Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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