so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
