Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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