the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
