I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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