nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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