I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
