Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Also, beer. Big fan.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
