Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
