Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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