Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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