It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
