Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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