We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
