hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize