I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
