Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
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