we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
