apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
