Small penises have feelings too.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
