My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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