I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
