I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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