I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
