i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
