I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
