I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
