Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Randomize