3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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