Well douche your snatch and let's go!
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize