she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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