I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
