she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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