and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I can't put those talents on a resume
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize