he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
