I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize