Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
