ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I have tasted many bathrooms
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
