I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
