it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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