Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
