your parents love me but you hate me
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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