My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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