it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
