my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
