I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
