are you so shy because you have an std?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
