I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
