He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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