my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
