dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
