I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
