I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
