I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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