I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
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