Umm I'm too high to move.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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