i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
what day is it and did you see me today?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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