did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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