He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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